How to stop seeking external validation (in a world that feeds off it)
It's time to take your power back, baby.
I’m just going to jump right in with a truth bomb: The people or places you’re seeking validation from, have immense power over you.
Read that again.
If you’re basing your sense of worth on how many reactions you get on social media, everyone on social media has power over you. If you’re basing how good you feel in your body on the number of people who check you out as you enter a room, every person in that room has power over you. If you’re only happy if you’re following the latest trends in fashion and beauty, big, money-hungry corporations have power over you. If you’re basing how loveable you are on how many times a day your partner tells you they love you, your partner - your supposed “equal” - has power over you. If you’re constantly asking your friends, “is it okay that I feel this way?”, your friends have power over you.
You get the gist.
Unsurprisingly, several studies show a correlation between self-esteem and the severity to which we seek assurance from outside of ourselves. And if upon reading this you’re realising your self-esteem and validation-seeking tendencies aren’t exactly ideal, then know this: it’s not your fucking fault.
We have been conditioned to rely on external sources to affirm our existence.
You may have had experiences in your early life that led you to believe you needed approval or praise from others - likely starting with your parents. Research shows that the most important influences on a person’s level of self-esteem are their parents, not just genetically, but also through the amount of love, concern, acceptance and interest shown through childhood and adolescence.
When you were in school, the kids who got the most praise were those who performed best academically (in a standardised, one-size-fits-all curriculum, no less). Hell, your parents might have only praised you when you got straight A’s. We were conditioned to believe we had to earn acceptance, and were only “smart” when we received the certificate to prove it. (Interestingly, a 2019 study found high academic stress to be a major risk factor related to low self-esteem.)
I’m not going to dive deep into how social media has shaped our need for external validation, because like, it’s become a bit fucking obvious by now, hasn’t it? We are literally rewarded for how we portray ourselves, every like and comment a dopamine-driving win for our worthiness.
Social media has allowed society to delve further into its obsession with physical appearance, and those incredibly damaging, excruciatingly unrealistic beauty standards. Women in particular (but also men and non-binary people) are conditioned to believe that the only way they will be accepted, the only way they will be successful, the only way they will be LOVED, is by achieving impractical and at times absurd ideals of “beauty”. But don’t worry! Big corporations and the media are here to help us in our quest for desirability! They will happily target us left, right and centre and teach us to hate ourselves so they can sell us the solution we need to love ourselves again!! How very generous of them.
When we rely on how well we align to beauty ideals to feel worthy, we are relying on what we consume in the media and likes on Instagram and compliments from women and gazes from men to tell us we’re doing okay.
What makes this all a bit more fucked for women is that they have been conditioned to comply and conform; society supports women when they abide by its constructed norms. And when they don’t, life can get real fucking challenging. Women typically need assurance from outside of themselves that they are fitting in, so they can actually just feel safe.
Needless to say, females statistically suffer from low-self esteem more than men *feigns shock*.
Okay, so I think we’ve determined that the world we live in isn’t exactly set up for success when it comes to quelling external validation.
But you do have control. All it takes is a bit of self-awareness, practice and perseverance to break the chain tethered to you and the opinions of the outside world.
Here’s a few ways you can break that chain, to get you started. (If you feel you need extra support in doing so, consider seeing a qualified professional.)
Stop asking people for their opinion on your life decisions.
You are the artist of your life. Stop handing other people the paint brush hoping they will paint you the fucking Mona Lisa.
In my experience I've found that people who constantly seek the opinions of others usually do so because they completely lack the trust in themselves to make any decision for themselves. Sure, receiving the general view of a trusted friend or family member can be helpful at times. But the more we seek answers from others while bypassing the responsibility of governing our own choices, the more we distance ourselves from our innate knowledge and power. And so, we become more confused and feel less powerful and our reliance on external input becomes stronger, until we are left completely dazed and confused about who we really are and what actually makes us happy and what the hell to do with our lives.
Trust yourself more. Only you know what to do. Only you get the final say. Only you can create the masterpiece that is your life.
Stop trying to earn other people’s energy.
If you need to work hard to be respected by someone, they are not your person. If you deplete your energy in the quest to be accepted by people, they were never worthy of that energy to begin with. Period.
Here’s a harsh truth that might make any perceived rejection much easier: most people don’t actually owe you their energy.
When you walk into a venue feeling fit af, strangers don’t owe you stares of desire. When you nail a work project, your boss doesn’t owe you praise. When you express love to someone, they don’t owe you love back.
Sure you might think you deserve those things, but in reality, people don’t owe you shit. Just because you are worthy of something - be it love, lust, recognition - it doesn’t always mean you’ll get it. We can waste so much time and energy trying to prove our worth, completely relying on the praise and approval of others to affirm that we’re actually really fucking great, that we kind of forget that other people’s opinions don't really matter all that much.
If we believe we are worthy (read: fucking great), that is enough. Our level of greatness isn't going to change based on whether other people acknowledge it or not. And once we know that, we can stop chasing and expecting attention from others to affirm our inherent worth.
How freeing is that?
Stop handing out ‘likes’ as if it’s a fucking free for all.
Treat your social media engagement like currency and only invest your likes in content that gives you a healthy return. By only liking content that truly lights you up and supports the unique, complex, interesting person that you are, you’re using social media in a state of abundance, as oppose to lack.
Yep, it’s time to get picky as hell with the validation you provide to other people online.
Next time you’re on Instagram, trial not liking content based on how well a person meets conventional beauty standards (AKA abs, butt, boobs, botox, etc.), or how well a person portrays the person you wish you were and the life you wish you had. Instead, just like things you actually vibe with, as you are now. I’m talking things that truly resonate. You don’t even need be able to explain why you vibe with a photo or video - if it stirs something juicy deep in you, hit that like button. It could be a scenery that takes your breath away, an outfit that captivates you, a quote that brings a lump to your throat, a call to action that fires you up. If it stirs a resounding “fuck yes!” in you, hit that like button, bitch!
If content in any way stirs thoughts or emotions that imply you’re not enough exactly as you are, then babe, do yourself a favour and keep scrolling.
By learning to seek and celebrate what pleases and moves you, you will invite more pleasure and depth into your life. By consciously scrolling past content that, if you’re being honest with yourself, actually makes you feel a bit shit, you are showing yourself love and acceptance. That is so empowering!
If you want to change the way you seek energy from others, change the way you give your energy to others.
I guess if I could sum up the suggestions above, I’d simply tell you to stop giving your power away. The only way you’re going to build your personal power, know your value, and trust yourself enough to make decisions for yourself, is to get out of other people's heads and into your own heart. Ughhh, lame, I know. But so long as you’re seeking validation from outside of yourself, other people will always have immense power over you - and that’s as lame as it fucking gets.
So, which lame will you choose?
Yours to wander wellness with,
Tessa x